Organizing my mind :) 29 July, 2014

I have so many great idea's and realizations and hopes and dreams and passions going on inside of me right now, I really have to write some of it down!

First off, the universe keeps on cutting off my access to communication, breaking my phone, losing my charger! It's hilarious. I clearly need to meditate and get calm. I am so in love with my boyfriend, I have lost sight of what I need to do with myself. I don't think that is a bad thing, I think it is selfless, but I feel as though it reflects poorly on the ego, and natural anxieties of not being "ME ME ME" arise now and then. 

The thing is, I'm older. I've changed. I'm an adult now. And the world does not revolve around me. Nor do I want it to. My ego wants to bad to be successful, independent - and absolute bomb, and I do too - but for other reasons. I want to be powerful and strong so that I am able to help others. Not that I am better than them, but so that I can contribute to society, and the love we have in society. 

This is what I am thinking. And this is how I feel single, or taken. And this is what I will attempt every day to accomplish, single or taken. I am living in the moment, and am a part of the NOW. I am not attached to my future, or my past. My so, so, feared future. My future will be fine! I am excited! The world will and can open up for me and I am worthy of everything I can receive from the universe. I am a good person, but I want better for others. I don't want to see pain, but mostly, I don't want to see ignorance, or people who are taken over by their ego's like a disease of some sort. 

I'm just begging for an opportunity to make a difference and be something bigger, for the courage to change, for the courage to be a bigger, better person, who isn't afraid of love, or the world, or others, or failure. This is the toughest thing, but I will try not to think but to rather follow my heart. 

Let's be big, let's be bold, but mostly, let's be happy, let's be human. 

2014

I am so happy. Truly, Truly, happy. With the littlest amount of doubt and insecurity I have had in a long, long, time.

I feel like a mix between "girls" and the right path, the right journey. I'm doing my thing. I'm being brave. And I am so proud of myself. Patience has paid off. Thank God, Thank you God. A million thank you's. Thank you for teaching me about faith. About patience. About holding on.

I'm eternally grateful. It's only the second of January, 2014. And I'm content. I'm safe. I'm happy. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever is, is.

Thank you.

I feel light, airy, like I have the world in my hands, but it isn't weighing me down. I can be whatever I want to be, but I don't have to be anything or anyone I don't want to be.


And, I'm happy with Jeff. He is so good to me. He is so lovely. I love him so much. He is fantastic for me. I want him to be happy, and I want the best for him. I want him to be successful, but mostly, I want him to be happy with himself, and realize how unbelievable he is. He is truly an amazing human being, and boyfriend. <3 p="">
As for 2014 resolutions?

Well, I can head over to the gym across the street ;)
I can head over to the Church across the street ;)
I could find a job where I have to face my fears and open bottles of wine.
I could do Math! Calculus!

I'm glad I took things slowly, because I've taken things in.

thank you. 

the squwiggy

i watched the netted sponge
balance
steadily on the bath tap

it filled with drips
of crashing
water from the faulty
shower faucet
north of it

but unlike me the sponge
filled with the droplets
and then released
each heavy
drop back into the
ocean bath tub

it seemed to balance out but
even its balance wavered and
eventually it
plopped into the bathtub
with me

where i lay
reminiscing about a
netted bath sponge
balancing so perfectly
on top of a bath tap

Let's Get Real

I realize that I want a degree from UBC,
But what I seem to be trying to accomplish, though possible, seems downright crazy.

Full time, math-related courses, for me, who is used to working and being independent.

I know I can accomplish crazy, but I'm not sure this is the smartest route for myself.
Perhaps I should look into a longer paced program, or a less competitive program.

The Sauder Competition is sure to drive me insane, and I cannot have that happen.

I just don't want to regret not getting a degree from UBC, but maybe thats just me being pretentious.


Perhaps by the end of it I will regret the shot nerves, big classes and expensive fee's.

And it's probably WISER of me to enroll in a smaller business program,

than a bigger.
More competitive one,
that I'm really attracted to for its ...pinache.

Besides, I dont want to risk not getting in, and wasting that time on reapplication, etc... etc...

It might be best to just be at the top of a happy medium, rather than medium at the top.

Or perhaps I should stop thinking about whats BEST and just think about what would be BEST for ME. And that doesn't make me any less better than anyone else.

I know I can achieve at Sauder,
But I dont think that

I want to. 

March

March was a crazy month.

Messing up my birth control really got to my head and some underling fears and phobias came creeping up into my conscious and really disturbing me and making me really anxious to the point that I could not eat, or sleep, or think, or live. Or anything.

And it fucking sucked.

And I never want that to happen again.

And I want to not allow myself to think so badly of myself again.

I've been seeing a counsellor which has been awesome and made me feel much better about myself. I even told her about the dream I had years ago which triggered this whole phase and she was hardly shocked by it! Getting that off my chest and receiving that reaction really helped me.

I still have my off days where I wonder about whether or not there is something wrong with me, and wonder about why certain things get stuck in my mind, or make me feel a certain way, or react a certain way.

But I'm starting to trust my inner light, believe in myself and love myself, and I feel like this is the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do, and will have to do for a while.

It could quite possibly be a lifelong journey.

All I can say is that I hope that this phase passes soon, and that I pray to God to protect me and look after me and help me through this. Because this phase is scary, hurtful, unessecary...

but a huge opportunity for growth.

Please, just let this all be positive.

never knew you couldnt fall asleep

because you are so 

happy

and reality may be more exciting that
your dreams

Tonight,

I miss my boyfriend.

I do love my Ombre hair though.
I miss my boyfriend.